About Running in Silence

IF YOU ARE CURRENTLY BATTLING AN EATING DISORDER, THE BLOG POSTS FROM DECEMBER 2012 TO MAY 2013 MAY BE TRIGGERING! Please do not read them if you feel it would derail you in any way from recovering. This may be in the form of calorie counts, weights, and restrictive tendencies. The “safe” posts begin with A Glimpse of Where I Am Now. Please start here if you want to avoid the past journal entries.

Why “Running in Silence”?
I ran too long without speaking up about my eating disorder. I tried to run away from my hunger. I was embarrassed to speak up. Now, I hope to talk openly and connect with others who deal with this mental battle.
What is your ED diagnosis?
While I don’t like labeling what “kind” of eating disorder I have or even what kind of “diet” I eat for that matter, it does help to expose what I dealt with on a daily basis. I began with anorexic tendencies for about a year in high school through my first year of college. The binge-eating disorder developed as I began raw food, and eventually bulimia.
What does the blog on this website entail?
When I first started the blog I shared past journal entries detailing my experiences with trying the raw food diet. I stopped posting this journal entries back in May 2013 to pursue writing a self-help book which includes my story (to be published this October). At this point I now post my thoughts on recovery and the struggle with eating disorders twice a month via the blog posts.
Why read the blog?
My aim is to be as honest as possible to give insight into the thoughts of an eating-disordered athlete. While my thoughts and actions may not always be similar to others’ stories, many people have expressed connections and similar behaviors. I hope to give a voice to those suffering and encourage them to seek help.
Where can I learn more about the book?
I began the book in May of 2013 by taking my past journal entries and forming them into a story. Since then I have combined the story with self-help tips. The book will be published in October of this year. Please visit the Bio & Book page to learn more! I am happy to answer any and all questions. :)

 

I love connecting with my readers! Feel free to subscribe. You can find me here:
Email: runninginsilence [at] gmail [dot] com
Twitter: https://twitter.com/RachaelSteil
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/rachael.steil
LinkedIn
RIS Facebook group: https://www.facebook.com/runninginsilence/?fref=ts
Mogul Influencers: https://onmogul.com/rsteil12
You can donate at gofundme.com/runninginsilence

 

Personal Bests:
5k cross country: 17:37 (2010)
5k outdoor track: 17:04 (2011)
3k indoor track: 9:59 (2011)
mile indoor track: 5:06 (2011)
1600m outdoor track: 5:06 (2010)
1500m outdoor track: 4:47 (2012)
800m outdoor track: 2:20.8 (2009)

19 Responses to About Running in Silence

  1. Justin says:

    Thanks for posting your experiences and I look forward to reading the rest of your posts! I know it must take a lot of courage to admit that you had a problem and be willing to share it with everyone… but I’m sure it will help others who might be in similar situations. Good luck with your training and I hope you achieve all your goals!

  2. Danielle says:

    I had a very similar experience to you, running in college, having an eating disorder, and not really able to identify myself as such. It is tough because I thought I was eating a certain way to benefit my running, but in the end I was always sick or injured. Now that I realize I did have an eating disorder, food is no longer an enemy. Food fuels my body for running. I still have some anxiety when going out to eat, or not knowing exactly what goes into my food, but I am getting to a healthier place with food. I think what you are posting is great and a real look into athletes and disordered eating. Keep writing :)

    • rachael says:

      Thank you for the comment Danielle! I can relate to everything you said; even now, as I recover I still have to work through the anxieties. It’s frustrating but at least we recognize how far we’ve come! Good luck to you!

  3. Michelle says:

    I was a weight loss counselor for several years before I got married. Counseling others on healthful eating habits and monitoring their progress was therapeutic in dealing with my own eating disorder and obsessive-compulsive exercise (more that we have in common). Your blog is a highly valuable contribution in so many respects and will reach out to a wide variety of age groups and genders even vis-a-vis the honed perspective. I’d venture to say that the experience of blogging will continue to be a cathartic experience for you. Best of luck in your journey of self-discovery and self-management, and keep on writing!

  4. Anonymous says:

    This sums up everything that I have felt for the past 3 years. Thank you for sharing this. It’s great to know that I am not alone and that it is possible to grow towards a path of recovery. Again, thank you for posting.

    • rachael says:

      I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with this; it is a beast of a thing, isn’t it? I wish you luck in your recovery!
      If you have any questions, please let me know. Thanks for reading!

  5. Stacey says:

    Rachel,
    I found your blog through runnersworld.com and it is breaking my heart. I have suffered from severe anorexia/bulimia since I was 9 years old (I’m 32 now), and only in the past year have truly been able to let go significantly of the grips of the disease. I have been through many hospitalizations and counseling, and really only credit my recovery (in progress) to finally realizing my own happiness and potential in life.
    Reading your blog stirs up so many painful memories of being absolutely possessed by my eating disorder. One thing that struck me in particular is your 20th birthday story, where you brought your own special foods to your friend’s house, and refused to believe you could eat like your friends because your ED convinced you that you were somehow different from them. Being injured on top of that — wow, can I relate! I, too, am a competitive and somewhat obsessive runner, and it is when I can’t run that the ED really rears its ugly head. Your words speak to me on a very intimate level, and I thank you for being so candid. I truly hope you are on the path to wellness now.
    I do caution you, however, that by including exact height/weights, and listing specifically what you eat day to day may trigger other sufferers or worse, allow them to exploit it as “thinspiration.” Though I appreciate your honesty and understand your reasoning for including all of these specifics, I urge you to include some kind of a warning on the blog about this being a potential trigger. I see you have a disclaimer about the raw diet, but this seems like more of a “don’t mean to offend” rather than a warning. Of course, this won’t completely prevent triggering or exploitation, but it may help a bit. I’m sure you would agree that we need to protect other sufferers.
    Thank you again and like I said, I hope you’re on the road to recovery. Here’s hoping I stay there, too :)

    • rachael says:

      Stacy,
      I am so sorry you’ve had to deal with this for so long–what a horrible, frustrating illness it is. I hope your journey through recovery continues to improve.
      Thank you for your kind comment, I appreciate the support! I feel like I am slowly making my way through this and I’m in a much better place than I was back then.
      I agree with your thoughts on the “thinspiration” concept. I wondered about that when I first started the website and didn’t ever act on those thoughts, so it’s good to hear from someone else about fixing it. I will make the changes soon, so thank you!
      Good luck on your journey into recovery and thanks again for your words!

  6. Noah says:

    Reading your blog has been such a treat! I just wanted to say that your a great writer and you seem like an amazing person. I’m in a very similar position as you right now. I’m actually a male runner in high school (going to be a senior next year) and developed an eating disorder a couple years ago. It has been a very rough roller coaster and things are still very far from being perfect. I’m still trying to develop a healthier relationship with food but it’s been quite difficult. I had lost so much weight (I got down to about 90 pounds) but since then I’ve gained most of it back like you. Reading your story has made me feel like I have someone to connect to and seeing your recovery is very inspiring. I would say that we’re in quite similar positions right now and I’m so glad that you created this blog. Thank you so much! Keep writing!

    • rachael says:

      Noah, thank you for reading! And thanks for the kind words. :) I’m sorry you’ve been dealing with your own eating disorder for the past few years–what a struggle! Have you sought therapy? I hope you are working through it now and you are on your way to recovery. Good luck, and please feel free to ask me any questions; I’d be happy to help!

  7. Rob says:

    I just wanted to say “Thank you” for taking the time and effort to share these intimate details about your struggle. I have no doubt that many, many people have benefited from your words. I know I have. :-)

  8. C.E. says:

    Rachael,

    Sorry for this informal way of reaching out, but I couldn’t find an email on your blog. I’m currently working on a piece regarding eating disorders in male runners. I thought you, through the community you’ve created and the insight you have on the issue in general, might be able to help me out.

    If so, let me know a place where I can get in touch and provide more details.

    Thanks,
    CE

    • rachael says:

      Hello! Sorry for the delayed response.
      I will contact you via email–comment below if you do not receive it and we will work something out! :)

  9. Williamwes says:

    This is one awesome forum post. Keep writing.

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