This week was huge for me—probably the biggest change I’ve ever made for myself. And I waited until Friday to write this update because I wasn’t sure how long this feeling would last and I had to “test it out” for a few days before confirming that yes, I have moved on.
It feels like it’s been a long, long grieving process; like someone close to me was dying slowly before my eyes for the past few years and I had to watch it unfold. I just couldn’t let her go. No matter how mean, how frustrating, how deceiving that voice was, I could not let her go. Hadn’t she given me success? Hadn’t she brought me glory?
Or had I forgotten also that there was pain and fear all along?
After gaining the weight back, I felt I had lost the powerful Rachael, the Rachael in control. And now I’m left with a blanket of fat to cover me up. Or is it the eating disorder covering me? Did I just need to let that past Rachael go? I felt like losing all the weight through restriction and gaining it all back plus some left me feeling that I lost a piece of myself. And every day I thought about bringing her back to life.