I began this blog in fear.
I didn’t know who I was or where I was going, but two years ago I needed this blog to make me feel like I was getting something done. It was my last hope for change.
But I feared what my friends, teammates, and family would think–that I was faking it, that I was being over-dramatic, that I was just seeking attention. I knew it might be met with skepticism, but something deep down screamed for relief–and the writer inside of me persisted.
Ever since my sophomore year of high school, I have been encouraged to write the TRUTH to get the best sort of writing out there. But how could you expect that from a perfectionist, from someone who wanted to control how she was perceived, from someone who couldn’t say “calories” out loud, let alone write it for others to see? I had always been the quiet one, the one who didn’t talk about food or sex or wants and needs–basic human drives. I pretended not to feel, not to care, because avoiding this, I thought, would prove that I was focused and successful.
And then I realized that to write about the human experience–how we constantly battle these drives to exert control on how others perceive us–was the best thing I could do.
So it’s been two years since I started the blog on December 17, 2012 after a particularly bad binge session. As I reflect on who I was two years ago, I am proud of the person I have become today. I feel so much more like myself–the real Rachael–since writing out my story, connecting with others, and gaining confidence. I have learned to stand up for myself, and encourage others to do the same. Thanks to therapy, expanding my food choices, the support of friends and family, and even some medication, I feel like a much more mature, truthful person. I’m still working to stand up for myself and say what I mean, but I am definitely more like myself and willing to love that part of me more than ever.
Running in Silence, Happy 2nd Birthday.