A Lot Can Change in Two Years

I began this blog in fear.

I didn’t know who I was or where I was going, but two years ago I needed this blog to make me feel like I was getting something done. It was my last hope for change.

I feared what my friends, teammates, and family would think. I worried they would think that I was faking an eating disorder, or that I was being over-dramatic. Maybe they would think I was just trying to seek attention. I knew the website could be met with skepticism, but something deep down screamed for relief–and the writer inside of me persisted.

Truth Can Feel Ugly

Ever since my sophomore year of high school, I have been encouraged to write the truth to get the best writing out there. But how could you expect that from a perfectionist? From someone who wanted to control how she was perceived? From someone who couldn’t say “calories” out loud, let alone write it for others to see? I had always been the quiet one, the one who didn’t talk about food or desires. I pretended not to feel, not to care. Avoiding this, I thought, would prove that I was focused and successful.

Vulnerability Leading to Change

It has been two years since I started the blog on December 17, 2012 after a particularly bad binge. As I reflect on who I was two years ago, I am proud of the person I have become today. I feel so much more like myself–the real Rachael–since writing out my story, connecting with others, and gaining confidence. I have learned to stand up for myself, and encourage others to do the same. Thanks to therapy, expanding my food choices, the support of friends and family, and even some prescribed medication, I feel like a much more mature, truthful person. I’m still working to stand up for myself and say what I mean, but I am definitely more like myself and willing to love that part of me more than ever.

Running in Silence, Happy 2nd Birthday.