A New Kind of Weight

No matter how many times I may look in the mirror and find what is wrong with my weight, sometimes what I really need to look at is what I can improve on in myself–who I am, how I represent myself to others, and how I can improve my relationships with friends and family.

I’ve begun to notice this downfall of mine more and more over the years, but it took a friend of mine to be honest and point it out. While the mirror has been so blurred and confusing in terms of physical weight, this wake-up call was a whole new weight for me to bear—and hearing it a second time never made me feel so mentally heavy and paralyzed.

I did not cry. And for me, that’s saying something, because I cry a LOT. I think the lack of tears was due to the realization that I was finally told something that I had been thinking about for some time now, but just needed someone to point it out.

The honesty hit me hard, but it also brought a sense of relief. I only wished I hadn’t acted that way for someone I care about. Luckily it may help save me in future relationships with friends and family, and help me to conduct myself in a way that is more fitting to the kind of person I want to be and the kind of person other people want to be around.

It’s painful, especially as a perfectionist, to hear where I am not so perfect. To hear something that doesn’t measure up to the kind of person I want to be makes me realize how blind I have been. Automatic response? Panic, self-loathing, a resolve to work harder and fix it immediately. But I know there can’t be an automatic fix, and that simply being more aware of this part of me and allowing myself to accept feedback from others is critical in my growth. I don’t want to change everything about who I am of course, but I do want to work on something that I know doesn’t represent the person I want to be. It is in recognizing our imperfections that we learn to become better people.

I love myself and want to continue to grow, and I will love myself enough to recognize what I want to fix—not because I feel I should change for others to like me more, but because of how I feel I should change for myself.

Order your copy of Running in Silence: My Drive for Perfection and the Eating Disorder That Fed It here.

1 reply
  1. Ryan Jensen
    Ryan Jensen says:

    It can be very liberating to make this realization about yourself. That always working towards perfection leaves you with no opportunity to be happy. A recent blog post by Leo Babauta shared this sentiment of accepting and loving yourself. He’s a wonderful blogger.

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