On Loving and Grieving

We wonder if it was worth it to love so hard when we hurt so badly having lost what we love, but I feel that deep down we know that it was worth it.

We just wonder why it is ever taken away from us, and why some people and not others. That sometimes we try to console ourselves that there’s a rhyme or reason, and that someday we will understand.

But maybe we won’t. Maybe there is no rhyme or reason. Maybe there is just pain and heartache because the world can be cruel, but the only life worth living is one in which we have loved fully and deeply, even if it means we might lose that love.

Maybe it’s to open doors for more love elsewhere, but even that doesn’t seem fair in the moment.

It could very well happen to me. Sometimes it’s a matter of when, but living life without fear that it will. Just living, and loving, and knowing we are not invincible to the phone call, or the accident that could change our lives forever; knowing this, and cherishing what time we have.

It seems strange that nature goes on as if nothing happened. That the next day it is sunny, snow is melting, and the world moves on whether we are grieving or celebrating. It doesn’t seem to care.

I watch the icicles drip, and grieve for those who have lost.

Visiting 3-Time Olympian & Mental Health Advocate Suzy Favor Hamilton: California Part I

Having read Suzy Favor Hamilton’s book Fast Girl: A Life Spent Running From Madness, I was not only intrigued with her bipolar disorder experience (and her “secret” escort job that soon followed), but also the eating disorder she discusses at the beginning of the book. With that in mind, I sent out a simple tweet asking for an interview.

One informative interview, an endorsement quote for Running in Silence, and another phone call later, I found myself scheduling a trip to stay with Suzy in Los Angeles.

“You absolutely have to visit!” she had urged me during our second phone conversation. And who would refuse a trip to Manhattan Beach?

The moment I walked into Suzy’s home on January 11, 2017, I realized how tall I am in comparison to Suzy. But packed in that small frame was a young heart full of life and energy. After showing me to my guest room, we immediately began talking, catching up (since our phone talks), and asking each other questions about our journeys through mental illness. It was interesting finding similarities in bipolar disorder with eating disorders (and how they sometimes overlap—see Wasted and Madness by Marya Hornbacher for examples). We of course touched on my experience with 30 Bananas a Day, and soon afterward decided that dinner that night would be hamburgers. : )

Read more

What Are You So Afraid of?

I’ve been asked this question a lot lately, or at least questions similar to it: What is my fear, how do I handle it, and why the heck am I so afraid?

All fears need contemplation in order to face and deal with them. Half the battle is knowing what you are dealing with–and for me, coming to terms as to why I fear food must be faced. So as I finally make time for myself to just think, I can finally “hear” my thoughts. It doesn’t come in a roar or in an astounding revelation. It doesn’t change my life in an instant. It comes in increments, entering either slowly or suddenly as I allow my mind to wander and drift among my thoughts to the deepest emotion.

Read more

National Eating Disorders Awareness Week

February 23-March 1 is National Eating Disorders Awareness Week.

Eating disorder awareness is awesome, but the most important part of this is that people become aware of how hidden and prevalent it really is. The key to my own recovery was recognizing it within myself, but this was difficult to do since I was never severely underweight. While my BMI was under 18 at one point, it was nowhere near being sickly thin, which made it difficult for me to see myself as having an eating disorder. And often there are people out there with a BMI under 18 who don’t have eating disorders, too, who are wrongly accused.

Thus, we must clearly emphasize how much of a psychological problem this is–that it is how we approach food and our habits around food that make an eating disorder what it really is.

Read more

I need YOU

Okay, so I can’t abandon this blog.

I need your help; I’m trying to take this to the next level. What can you offer me to take it to the next level? What are your biggest questions about eating disorders or diets in general? Do you have specific questions about what you have read so far on this website?

I want to keep you all connected as I put my project together and I want to keep you updated without giving too much away. Please post any suggestions, comments, etc, and maybe we can dive into these topics and my perspective for a few posts here and there. After all, it’s been a little too quiet here since it’s mostly me talking. What are your input or thoughts?

Read more

Where Are the Next Posts?

As of right now, I will not be posting any more journal entries. This was a difficult decision to make. There are definitely more journal entries to reveal, but I need to take action and make something more of these than just a blog. I never planned on doing this; in fact, I highly anticipated sharing the entire journey on this website. However, after a lot of thinking and professional writing advice, I have decided I want to work on these posts more and create something bigger.

Let me assure you that you will be able to read the rest of the posts eventually—however, I can’t tell you when since I don’t even know myself. All I do know is that this is the next step I have to take and I don’t want to risk self-publishing all of my work on this site if my gut feeling is to do something bigger.

Read more