Raw Food Journal #42: Unable to Speak

August 6, 2011

Weight: 124lbs
YUCK!!! 124?!?! Yeah, this was a wake-up call this morning. But I guess it makes sense–I over-ate in Colorado, I eat while sitting in front of the TV, I never measure out my portions anymore, I barely calorie-count, and I’ve been eating late at night.
I feel nervous with the cross country season coming up. I don’t want to run slower because I’ve packed on more weight, and I feel like if everyone doesn’t see the weight gain then they’ll blame the “diet” I’m on.
I ran two miles at home to see how the knee felt before heading to a low-key road race downtown. My knee didn’t hurt, but it definitely didn’t feel right either–it felt loose and wobbly. I thought it felt better near the end of the run, so I went to the race thinking it wouldn’t hurt. But right off the bat it didn’t feel right.
Two miles into the race I debated whether to keep going or not, but I recalled this past winter when I kept running despite my left knee pain and how it was way worse the next day and kept me out of running for a month. I realized it wasn’t worth it to keep running today.
So I stopped.
After the race I came home and gave in to cooked animal product—canned salmon. I ate it with chopped raw vegetables but I ate it all so fast and felt horrible about it. I shoveled everything in with a vengeance. I was not famished, but I needed to feel that wholeness, that filling fullness. In the back of my mind I could hear the voice of reason telling me that protein would keep me full. But the battle was raging in my mind—raw food is the answer, so why am I eating cooked food? Isn’t raw food supposed to keep me full? Will eating cooked food make me fat? I feel conflicted.
I went to a party tonight feeling big and confused. I cried as I drove to the house and couldn’t help feeling that once I got there, everyone could see that my legs looked bigger. I think my shorts fit tighter around my legs because of the few pounds I’ve gained.
After the party I texted Ariel in the darkness of my car. I cried silently as I typed out the message, feeling stupid for texting this. I feel alone and lost, unsure of who to turn to right now because I could never talk about this to my friends or family.
When I ran with Ariel a few days ago she asked me if there was anything I needed prayers for. I couldn’t think of anything a few days ago, but tonight it came to me easily.
“What would you like me to pray for you, Rachael?” Ariel texted back.
I sighed and stared at her words. I wanted her to pray that I would stop weighing more, that I would eat less, that I would be able to get rid of these binges. I wanted her to pray to help me reduce my weight and keep it where it should be.
My throat tightened and I couldn’t stop the tears from falling. “I’m sorry, I can’t tell you,” I texted her.
I can’t tell anyone.

——–

I do not advocate nor do I completely dismiss the raw food diet but I do encourage you to stay with me through these past journal entries (please note the date in bold verses the post date) until the end to decide for yourself what you think would be best for you as pertaining to diet if you feel the need to change in any way. Please understand that I went into the raw food diet with some wrong intentions. Learn from my mistakes before making your own.

About Rachael

Rachael Steil is a graduate from Aquinas College in Grand Rapids, Michigan with a Bachelor of Arts. Steil an author, speaker, and a recipient of the Spirit and Outstanding Runner award for the Aquinas College cross country team and has received 6th place All-American accolades in cross country as well as 7th place in the NAIA track nationals.
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One Response to Raw Food Journal #42: Unable to Speak

  1. Tamara Steil says:

    What can I say? I wish I could have been there for you – wish I could have helped. :(

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