August 6, 2011
YUCK!!! 124?!?! Yeah, this was a wake-up call this morning. But I guess it makes sense–I over-ate in Colorado, I eat while sitting in front of the TV, I never measure out my portions anymore, I barely calorie-count, and I’ve been eating late at night.
I feel nervous with the cross country season coming up. I don’t want to run slower because I’ve packed on more weight, and I feel like if everyone doesn’t see the weight gain then they’ll blame the “diet” I’m on.
I ran two miles at home to see how the knee felt before heading to a low-key road race downtown. My knee didn’t hurt, but it definitely didn’t feel right either–it felt loose and wobbly. I thought it felt better near the end of the run, so I went to the race thinking it wouldn’t hurt. But right off the bat it didn’t feel right.
Two miles into the race I debated whether to keep going or not, but I recalled this past winter when I kept running despite my left knee pain and how it was way worse the next day and kept me out of running for a month. I realized it wasn’t worth it to keep running today.
So I stopped.
After the race I came home and gave in to cooked animal product—canned salmon. I ate it with chopped raw vegetables but I ate it all so fast and felt horrible about it. I shoveled everything in with a vengeance. I was not famished, but I needed to feel that wholeness, that filling fullness. In the back of my mind I could hear the voice of reason telling me that protein would keep me full. But the battle was raging in my mind—raw food is the answer, so why am I eating cooked food? Isn’t raw food supposed to keep me full? Will eating cooked food make me fat? I feel conflicted.
I went to a party tonight feeling big and confused. I cried as I drove to the house and couldn’t help feeling that once I got there, everyone could see that my legs looked bigger. I think my shorts fit tighter around my legs because of the few pounds I’ve gained.
After the party I texted Ariel in the darkness of my car. I cried silently as I typed out the message, feeling stupid for texting this. I feel alone and lost, unsure of who to turn to right now because I could never talk about this to my friends or family.
When I ran with Ariel a few days ago she asked me if there was anything I needed prayers for. I couldn’t think of anything a few days ago, but tonight it came to me easily.
“What would you like me to pray for you, Rachael?” Ariel texted back.
I sighed and stared at her words. I wanted her to pray that I would stop weighing more, that I would eat less, that I would be able to get rid of these binges. I wanted her to pray to help me reduce my weight and keep it where it should be.
My throat tightened and I couldn’t stop the tears from falling. “I’m sorry, I can’t tell you,” I texted her.
I can’t tell anyone.