Raw Food Journal Entries 33-36: Bring on the Binges

July 16, 2011

My weight scares the hell out of me. I know I shouldn’t be surprised after bingeing again last night, but this feels like something out of my control and I feel alone in it. I only have myself to blame.

I competed in the Tri Del Sol triathlon today. I’m surprised I did as well as I did after binging again last night on cooked food. Luckily my times were a little faster for each part of the triathlon compared to last year. I still can’t help looking back at the pictures of me from last year, knowing that I weigh more now than I did last year.

TRIDELSOL2010

 

July 21, 2011

I binged again last night. I’m supposed to go to bed at least slightly hungry and for some reason I just can’t seem to do that this summer. I didn’t eat breakfast this morning because of that and went for my run at 10am in the heat. I wore my bun-huggers and bra top to stay as cool as possible but I felt self-conscious as I ran along the bike-path. I felt like I can feel the weight coming on already.

July 24, 2011

Workout: 13-mile long run.

I felt tired and slow for this run. I think it was not a good idea to have my GPS watch with me because I was too focused on the pace. I kept running over 8-minute pace per mile. I did love this run but I couldn’t help thinking about the weight gain as something that would be slowing me down. I tried to increase my pace to make sure I didn’t go too slowly. I know I’m supposed to treat easy runs easy but 8-minute pace should be easy and this wasn’t.

Afterward I was famished and stopped at Meijer to buy bananas and Larabars. I told myself to hold off on the Larabars and just eat the bananas on the way home but I ended up eating two of the bars (440 calories total) and felt guilty. I kept trying to tell myself that it could be a “treat” day and that maybe I needed the extra protein/fats for better recovery after the long run, but I am only making excuses for myself.

These thoughts of “you should have done this instead of that to save this many calories” and such go on and on throughout my day now. It’s frustrating and I feel alone. I feel sucked into this and I don’t know what to do. Is raw really the right way to go? I keep thinking about how protein is supposed to keep you full but I don’t have much protein in my diet. And then I can’t eat too many fats because of all the calories and they make my stomach queasy when I run.

July 25, 2011

I just finished the book Against the Grain, which is about why grains in our diet (even whole wheat) are unhealthy. There was information that made a lot of sense. Basically, whole grains/wheat contain opioids (addictive substances) and anti-nutrients (which causes anemia). That’s often why runners who go gluten-free seem to get rid of their iron deficiencies. We need to eat more vegetables/leafy greens in place of the grains. But that means also taking out even gluten-free grains, or just not including as many in our diet, which I agree with. Oatmeal is processed, so I should limit that, but definitely choose it over bread. I think the best thing to choose is quinoa, especially since it has a lot of protein.

Order your copy of Running in Silence: My Drive for Perfection and the Eating Disorder That Fed It here.

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