Raw Food Journal Entry 25: Something’s Not Quite Right

June 13, 2011

I went to Emily’s house for a “camping” trip with my cross country teammates this past weekend. I made sure to get in plenty of greens in multiple green smoothies before leaving.

For supper I ate raw vegetables and some salad with salsa. Later that night I ate fruit and then indulged in the s’mores and cupcakes; I felt like I went out of control with that. I hate how I can’t enjoy everyone’s company when all that is going through my head is sugar sugar sugar. How can everyone else be so oblivious to the food? Why do I have to be so focused on it all the time? Why does it seem like I am the only one focused on these cravings and terrible desires for more and more?

As we all sat around the campfire talking I couldn’t help but feel isolated from everyone; and not in the sense that I am different because I eat raw food, but because of something more…and I can’t quite pinpoint it. I just feel like when my mind is trapped in this mindset of wanting more and more I can’t think about anything else; I can’t enjoy the company of others, can’t take my mind away from the focus of food.

camping 088

The next morning I woke up famished. I don’t know if it was because I woke up and was lying there for a while and my stomach finally “woke up,” or if it was because I hadn’t supplied my body with the right nutrients the night before by eating all of those desserts. I feel like that was the main cause–my body was starving for adequate nutrients. A banana sounded delicious, so I ate two in the bathroom. I felt too self-conscious having someone find me eating all this fruit—especially one of the alumni guys, who earlier asked if I had “really eaten seven bananas” and laughed in disbelief (I felt terrible knowing that it was more like eight). I’m not sure whom he heard that from but I guess it’s easy for that to travel around. And okay, eating that many bananas must seem absurd to others, but when you read up on this stuff it makes sense! I don’t know why it makes me feel so self-conscious if I’m confident in what I’m doing; I guess I just don’t want people to think I’m eating too much.

I went back to sleep after the two bananas but when I woke up again an hour later I was still famished. But this hunger felt different–I needed something dense, something quick, something satisfying. The only thing that sounded perfect was oatmeal, or just anything cooked and dense in general. I ate about five more small bananas in the bathroom. I made sure to wrap up the peels with toilet paper before I threw them in the wastebasket so that no one would see how much I was eating.

The bananas didn’t hit the spot. I was sick of them. Apples didn’t sound tasty either. No fruit sounded appetizing. I resorted to peanut butter. Everyone else had bagels and cream cheese for breakfast. For a few minutes I thought about taking a bagel, but I think that would’ve been worse for me than the peanut butter.

Later after the 8-mile long run I thought I should have bananas or apples (which I brought plenty of) but I still didn’t crave fruit. I’m glad I brought avocado though–it sounded delicious, like it was something that would finally hit the spot. I didn’t even care how many calories were in them because my cravings for it were so intense. I ate one whole avocado and then about half of the second one. I also craved cooked food like the deli turkey meat they had set out and especially the bread. I ate another banana hoping to ease my hunger, but it still didn’t feel right. Eventually I ate two pieces of rye bread and finally felt content.

That night me, Rachel and my sister arrived at Grandma’s house since we’re going to be spending the rest of the weekend there. I gorged on a ton of fruit and felt awful going to bed. It feels like I cant control myself with food any more and I hate it. I feel like my binges are getting more frequent and I hate feeling guilty so often now.

Order your copy of Running in Silence: My Drive for Perfection and the Eating Disorder That Fed It here.

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