Raw Food Journal Entry #41: “Melon”-tonin Mishap
August 5, 2011
I ate in the middle of the night last night.
This is becoming a terrible habit now. I feel frustrated because I felt fine after another eight-mile run and I ate a good dinner. I was still a little hungry but I went to go visit my friend Sharon to distract myself because I think I keep getting mixed up with emotional hunger and true hunger.
Before bed I tried to read to keep my mind occupied with other thoughts than food. But my stomach, even though it was not growling, felt empty.
I stopped reading. Perhaps I was just tired. I turned off the light and tried to sleep.
I couldn’t stop thinking about the honeydew melon I had just bought at Meijer on the way home, sitting in the kitchen. The sweet scent seemed to travel upstairs to my bedroom. I could almost taste it.
I turned to my other side. Resist. Do what you did last year. You can do this. You have to practice.
I couldn’t stand it anymore. Twenty minutes later I was up and out of bed, racing down the stairs. There was no way I would fall asleep without taking at least one bite of that melon. That’s right—I would allow myself a bite or two.
The melon opened with a victorious crack and sent sweet juice oozing onto the kitchen counter. I didn’t even bother cleaning it before cutting—a necessary precaution from bacteria. I dug my spoon into the soft mint-green flesh and took my first blessed bite. It was the most satisfying feeling in the world and I relished the soft, tender juiciness. My mind told me I had to stop, and soon.
I couldn’t. Two bites turned into twenty and before I knew it I had eaten half the melon.
Now I should be done…
And then I went for the other half.
Before I knew it I had attacked the refrigerator. I pulled out the raw broccoli and dipped it heavily into the hummus. There is well over 70 calories in this scoop of hummus, I thought as I bit into it with guilt. But I couldn’t stop. I needed it, needed this satisfaction.
I was in such an eating frenzy that I was tempted to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and sit in front of the TV to enjoy it, just to keep going since I had already gorged. I hate feeling like treating myself almost every single day; this has to stop.
I forced myself to stop eating and went back to bed. Finally I was able to sleep.
This morning I thought I wouldn’t feel hungry at all, but after only five hours of sleep my emotions were mixed up. First I weighed myself (almost 126lbs!). I didn’t even drink any water and I ended up scarfing down another melon. I felt bloated and uncomfortable.
Afterward I went to the bathroom and it did not look good—“number 3” should I call it? This has been happening a lot now, which isn’t good.
I feel like I’m at a low point. I give in to the grains more, eat in front of the TV or computer, eat more cooked foods and I eat too much popcorn. I keep going for the popcorn because the fiber is supposed to fill me up and it has very few calories per cup. But the calories do still add up after a while. The other day I ended up eating two bags of popcorn throughout the day, only to find out I ate up to a total of 240 calories of popcorn! Ugh.
I can get out of this rut–I just need to make changes again. I need to go back to what I did before, even if it requires setting up some rules for myself again. Trying to do raw food does not exempt me from following the rules for eating.
I went to physical therapy today and learned that I have to focus on tightening my glutes when I do leg strength training to help prevent further knee injuries. My physical therapist said my legs are so long that I need more of a “butt base.”
My right knee felt sore/painful at the beginning of the run later with my friend Ariel. I wondered if I should turn around early, but once we hit two miles the pain in my knee disappeared. It was tight again but I felt fine when I finished.
In our conversation on the run I mentioned the green smoothies I make, so afterward Ariel was eager to make one. I always feel wary when I mention the green smoothies to people because I never know what their reaction will be. I think the “green” before “smoothie” usually turns people off, especially when I mention adding spinach or other leafy greens like that. Luckily it only excited Ariel!
We whirled up a smoothie with banana, spinach, and strawberries in the mini blender Ariel had. Ariel loved it and drank the rest of it eagerly. Soon after she was ready for round two! It makes me feel good when people actually try and like the green smoothies; it makes me feel less strange than I already do feel with food.
Before we drank the smoothies we did core together. Ariel mentioned that I look very fit, which surprised me. I guess that was good confirmation despite the slight weight gain.
I do not advocate nor do I completely dismiss the raw food diet but I do encourage you to stay with me through these past journal entries (please note the date in bold verses the post date) until the end to decide for yourself what you think would be best for you as pertaining to diet if you feel the need to change in any way. Please understand that I went into the raw food diet with some wrong intentions. Learn from my mistakes before making your own.