Posts

When Loved Ones Can’t Understand Your Eating Disorder

When I first told my mom about the eating disorder, she seemed to continually ask the wrong questions and make the wrong suggestions (“Well let’s step on the scale to see where you’re at!” and, “But did you throw up all your food?”). It’s tough to get off to a good start when someone hasn’t experienced an eating disorder. My dad probably had one of the most difficult times trying to break it apart.

“How can you physically keep stuffing in more and more food?” he asked one night when we had agreed to sit down to talk. “I mean, I get to the point where enough is enough in one meal.”

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Embracing Emotion in Eating Disorder Recovery

“I am thawing.”

These are the final words in Laurie Halse Anderson’s book Wintergirls. It can be a triggering eating disorder novel for those of you with eating disorders, but that’s probably because it’s one of the most accurate, artistic portrayals of what it’s like to deal with an eating disorder. And those final words in the book come closer to me than any other words I have read–words that very much describe what bingeing and recovering from the eating disorder did for me.

I thawed.

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Guest Post: Brittany Burgunder’s Battle

I came across Brittany’s blog about a year ago and found her eating disorder struggle similar to my own. Certainly Brittany’s drastic weight fluctuation in a small amount of time is relatable to me as well as many more of us, and shows that the problem lies not in appearance, but in our attitude toward food. Just like me, Brittany is also in the process of getting a memoir published about her eating disorder experiences. I’m so glad Brittany was willing to share her journey as well as the struggles she still encounters on a daily basis, as I believe eating disorders should be monitored even in recovery.

My name is Brittany and I want to let you all know no matter what you are struggling with that there is always hope for a better life. For me, my major life struggle was with my weight and appearance. Growing up I was constantly bullied and teased and I never had a close friend; only acquaintances to say hi to so I didn’t seem like a complete and utter loser. I was always a great student and a very talented tennis player and horseback rider to top it off, but that didn’t matter. My self-esteem was nonexistent and every day I wondered what was so wrong with me that I didn’t fit in like everyone else. Instead of realizing there was nothing wrong with me other than I was shy and insecure, I turned my anger and sadness inward.

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We Must Speak

I want to tell you that it is okay to ask for help. That even now I still struggle to do it myself. That just the other day, when I finally admitted to myself that the eating disorder was worsening again, that it was okay to say something.

That I must.

I want to tell you that no problem is too small to keep to yourself. That you deserve to speak for your body, and that perhaps those of us who suffer from eating disorders or other modes of self-harm have some of the toughest times asking for help because we have learned to speak with our body instead of our tongues. That we do speak, but in a language of silence when we leave the dinner table too soon, when we skip lunch, when we creep to the kitchen at midnight to fill our bodies too quickly and too guiltily, when we stow away to the bathroom after every meal–because doesn’t it feel like your eating disorder will always be there for you? That it will keep you company when you feel your worst, and no one else will get hurt but you? That you don’t have to “wear anyone down” but yourself when you feel stressed and hurt and angry and frustrated?

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Guest Post: Lize Brittin’s Anorexia Recovery as a Runner Part 2

(Read Part 1 of Lize Brittin’s journey here).

After 20 years of struggling, my life started to feel different. Over time, I was able to find joy again. I could run again without having to force myself to be at the top.

During this transition, I noticed a strong correlation between my thoughts and my speech and how I was feeling. The more I switched my focus away from food, calories and miles, the more I could allow myself to be in the moment, and this was a way for me to temporarily forget that I was anorexic. I aimed at avoiding triggering statements like, “I feel fat” and instead tried to uncover what this symptom meant. Was I tired, afraid or lonely? Did this translate into feeling uncomfortable? Digging for the cause of the symptom rather than focusing on the symptom itself was essential to my recovery.

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We Lost a Beautiful Soul

About a week ago today we lost a blog reader to anorexia.

Elizabeth Ellie S was not a close friend of mine. We never even met in person. I don’t know how she found my blog, but when she did, she added me as a friend on Facebook and has been supportive ever since, “liking” my Facebook updates about the blog and giving me words of encouragement. I admired her bravery, love, and kindness, and wondered if we could meet someday.

I awoke Friday morning to find out, through Facebook, that anorexia had taken her life. I remembered thinking months ago that she could die from this, but I never thought this soon, this sudden, and honestly … a big part of me said “Nah, that won’t happen.” Elizabeth had been working so hard to recover while helping others too, and it seems she just wasn’t able to get there fast enough.

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Time to Change: Adding New Food to My Diet

I think I’m ready for change. I’m ready to take the next step to eating “normally” among society. I’m ready to get out of this rut.

It’s weird how those feelings suddenly come; when you realize the food you deemed “fattening” was only so because it became a rule in your head. The voice whispers to you day after day that you must eat perfectly, that you cannot mess up, that if you do mess up, bad things will happen.

And suddenly, I dared myself to change, dared myself to face my fear, because as scared as I am to move on, I know I must move on; that the only thing scarier than staying in one place, is thinking that you may stay in one place forever if you don’t do something about it.

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Hungry to Speak

You ask me why I eat in secret.

I wish you couldn’t see me eat. I wonder how much you think about what I eat. I decide what I will eat next to make it look like I am not eating too much. I wait until it is noisy enough in the room so that you may not notice how much I am eating when I grab more food.

I sit there acting like nothing is wrong because I don’t want you to notice I am screaming inside. I don’t want you to know how embarrassing this is for me.

You ask why I can’t have more self-control. I tell you, it is because I used to have all the control in the world.

You ask me why I take food out of the trash. I tell you, it is because I used to spit my food into it.

You ask me why you find food wrappers, empty cans of vegetables in strange places around the house. I tell you, it is because I pushed food away for so long–and now there is a shaking, anxious girl inside of me that is terrified she will never have enough.

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Weightism: Eating Disorders and Mental Health in Obesity

“They almost treat me like a leper, really. Like I don’t deserve a place in society because I’m obese. You know, I must be so fat that my heart doesn’t break when people say things.”
~Jean Marie from “Fat Doctor,” Series 3 Episode 1

Weight discrimination: It’s real. It’s happening.

And I’ve been guilty of it.

I used to be one of those people who said, “They just need to have more control. They just need to eat healthier.” Just because it was easy for me. But once I fell into the pit of food obsession, once I endured the overwhelming cravings and seemingly never-ending restrict-binge cycle, and as I’ve gained weight despite every intention to try to lose weight again, I feel as if I’ve had a glimpse into the world of an overweight person.

Not only have I not endured the physical disabilities that come with being obese, but most of all I have not faced the torment, the never-ending weight discrimination that haunts many people for the rest of their lives.

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Self Worth: How Have I Learned to Love Myself More?

Q: Self worth – How have you learned to love yourself more?

I believe that self exploration helps us to find our self worth. Without knowing ourselves on a deeper level, we can’t learn to appreciate who we are.

I thought that after admitting to my mom that I had an unhealthy relationship with food, everything would improve. I thought I had gotten it all out, that I would just move on and lose weight again, get back on track, and try to forget all the bingeing that had been a result of restricting for so long.

Not exactly.

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