Thinness for me never came about through a preoccupation with stick-thin models, with me flipping for magazines and wanting to look like “those girls.” I knew they were photoshopped. I knew they were enhanced. It was the girls, the women in real life I saw who were not photoshopped but clearly thin. I wanted that. I think I wanted that my whole life, but I thought genes “ruled all.” I figured I was doomed to a broad frame and that food had little to do with it. After all, I ate healthy. I always saw food as fuel before, and I made relatively healthy choices. Our family had a great attitude toward food–but to actually connect it to weight, to insert the key of calories into that lock opened my eyes.
I never saw food the same way again.
When I saw myself in the mirror and thought I could stand to lose a few pounds, I figured I must have a problem with overeating. How could I be this big if I eat healthy? I thought. When I began to restrict I thought I merely had a problem with eating too much food and I wanted to “punish” myself, or my body, for wanting too much food all the time.