I’ve been asked this question a lot lately, or at least questions similar to it: What is my fear, how do I handle it, and why the heck am I so afraid?
All fears need contemplation in order to face and deal with them. Half the battle is knowing what you are dealing with–and for me, coming to terms as to why I fear food must be faced. So as I finally make time for myself to just think, I can finally “hear” my thoughts. It doesn’t come in a roar or in an astounding revelation. It doesn’t change my life in an instant. It comes in increments, entering either slowly or suddenly as I allow my mind to wander and drift among my thoughts to the deepest emotion.
I am afraid of my body–of the potential it has to escape my mind’s control. I was afraid even at my thinnest of the potential I had to possibly win a national NAIA cross country meet–maybe because success came too fast, maybe because the way of reaching running “success” was not the way I had anticipated. Along with the success came a dark secret of restriction and pain, and I never imagined I would reach national status through something like that.I was afraid of the power my mind had over my body to sink the weight lower, but also of the power my body had over my mind as the binge eating took over my life.
So I come to this conclusion: anything my body feels without my “consent”–hunger, emotion–scares me. I am afraid of what my body is capable of. I am afraid of the potential I have within because changing, letting go, and believing in myself can be scary. It requires trust and faith in a feeling that is not easy to see or define.
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